After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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