I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
