I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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