Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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