Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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