I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
