Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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