you would pick up someone in the library
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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