Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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