last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
