Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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