i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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