You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
