Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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