after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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