I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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