I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
