you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize