It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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