for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
