You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
a search helicopter?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
