You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
