Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
