puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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