we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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