Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
