I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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