he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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