Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
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I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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