its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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