guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
