I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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