every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
