I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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