he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Enjoy the penises
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
