Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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