I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
