I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize