he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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