The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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