I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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