I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
