I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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