How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
