my soul wont recognize me after tonight
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
