I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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