and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
dude. I can hear the air.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
