I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
