I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
