i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
