Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
