During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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