Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
