I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
