he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
