He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you would pick up someone in the library
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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