I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
