Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
