One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize