saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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