I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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