Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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